Hopeless. Romantic.

2003-12-08T00:31:00.000-06:00

Fin.

Yup, I got my own livejournal, so I am outta here, kiddos.

I'm leaving the site up for a bit though, just so I can have my links.

Just so you know.

2003-12-02T00:39:00.000-06:00

Holy shit, part 2

They just keep getting better.
Yes, you heard it here first:

*Harry Potter is the problem with today's youth, ladies and gents. Oh, and apparently Satan likes to "mess with" the Bible, maybe as a hobby? (Speaking of magic, Bad news, Roleplay fans...Dungeons and Dragons makes you become an occult priestess and kill yourself, so best toss it along with your rock music.)

*Maybe This one is supposed to be scary, but it comes across more as Hell's Travel Brochure. "A place for the devil and his angels!" "A furnace of fire!" And while you're there, check out our Hell Spa!

*This one is touted as "great for children!" because of the lack of words. As I see it: you touch one of the circles growing on the tree, the tree gets angry and poos on you, and then you breed more smelly people unless you walk all the way through the boring holy art gallery and *heart* the cross. Then you get to run up some stairs and meet a faceless god while the rest of the people hang out in their filth downstairs. Whee!

*The title of this one says it all. I'll leave you to see for yourself.

I could go on, but I'll leave you to do it yourself. Enjoy.

2003-12-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

Holy shit

At first I thought this guy, Jack Chick, was joking when I stumbled across these horribly drawn evangelical comics. Then I started hoping he was, but nope! Turns out he's for real. If you need a good laugh, check 'em out. This one is my favorite so far. Harmless 60's sitcom? Nope, turns out, "stupid", "that show paved the way for all our occult and vampire programing view by MILLIONS today!"

'scuse me for a sec...

RAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

This guy needs no parody, but apparently they have those too. God bless the internet. But watch out for the devil.

2003-11-25T23:17:00.000-06:00

Poem

((One of my ex-boyfriends read this to me once, and since it's a gorgeous poem and apparently my blog pops up in a search for 'love poetry', I thought I'd share it.))

Summum Bonum
by: Robert Browning (1812 - 1889)

All the breath and the bloom of the year
In the bag of one bee
All the wonder and wealth of the mine
In the heart of one gem
In the core of one pearl all the shade
And the shine of the sea
Breath and bloom, shade and shine, wonder, wealth,
And how far above them
Truth that's brighter than gem
Trust that's purer than pearl,
Brightest truth, purest trust in the universe
All were for me
In the kiss of one girl.

2003-11-25T23:14:00.000-06:00

Thoughts

Maybe everything really does happen for a reason.

Maybe Dread was sent to me to help me see how cool of a chickie I really am, and what kind of people there are out there, and what kind of person I deserve. And now, that I see all that and it's starting to become dangerous in that I care too much about him, he's going back home to do his own thing, and let me take care of me.

Maybe I am on crack. Either way, it's a cool thought, and I'm kind of talking myself through this, so it's a good thing.

2003-11-25T20:33:00.000-06:00

Revelation

I just had a really long conversation with Buddha (my friend, not the prophet) and I feel just incredibly better.

I'm tired of basing my emotions off other people - Dread especially. He is not a higher power, he is not a guiding force, he is not an example. He is just a mortal boy, and I care about him as a friend and even love him to some point, but that is the extent of my looking up to him. Nobody but me will determine my actions. I'm tired of thriving off my pain so I can feel sorry for myself, because that only brings about more pain. I'm tired of thriving off the responses of others, because that is leading to the victimization of myself by others by my own choice and I refuse to be a victim. I am in control, I choose not to let others affect me. I am in control of how I react. I am in control of my search for the more perfect understanding of who I am. I am in control of my own thoughts. I am in control of what I choose to belive.

I am in control, and it feels un-fucking-believably good again, for the first time in a long time.

2003-11-25T11:01:00.000-06:00

Man, I love the holidays.

Gotta watch out for those attacking elves, though.

2003-11-25T10:21:00.000-06:00

Heh.

Ever been to an online forum/message board thing? The inspired folks at Something Awful have it down to a stereotyping science. Enjoy.

2003-11-25T10:02:00.000-06:00

Lost

I had a huge massive angry rant post last night, but apparently it became the internet's midnight snack. So much the better, I guess, since it was just me being really really angry for a few minutes and then feeling better.

2003-11-22T14:53:00.000-06:00

Make up work

Since I forgot on Friday:

I've come to take you.
What character from a creepy anime are you?

2003-11-22T14:38:00.000-06:00

Working girl

Finally managed to get a very-well paying job, but I'm not sure I can say where, despite the whole pseudonym thing. It's not worth losing $9 an hour ($10 on sundays) for... and all I have to do is be a cashier. Nice nice nice. First paycheck is next weekend, and I am doing a major spoil-me shopping spree. Because I fucking deserve it.

2003-11-21T09:47:00.000-06:00

Excellent

I'm digging this whole flu season thing... nothing like starting off your Friday with your professor giving you two pages to look at for later and then telling you to leave because he doesn't feel like teaching and losing his voice.

2003-11-20T00:37:00.000-06:00

Tired.

Off to visit Death's cousin/brother.

2003-11-20T00:12:00.000-06:00

Gaaaah.

So I can't stop thinking about Dread and how he's probably going to be leaving and no matter what he says or does now he's going to end up with her, because no matter how badly they've fought they're all emotionally entangled now and even if the relationship blows they're still going to keep breaking up and getting back together.

I feel like that snake on the Jungle Book, wanting to lean over his shoulder with the swirling color eyes and purr until he trusts me enough to let go of her, and to let her go as well. But that would be fake, wouldn't it?

Either way I need to get my own shit in line first. I know this, I keep telling myself this, but I just miss having someone to cuddle with while working stuff out.

gods, I just remembered: a few nights ago me and him were having this intense conversation and I mentioned what I said above, that I missed having somebody to love, and he said, eyes closed, "love yourself." So simple and yet so difficult.

2003-11-19T23:10:00.000-06:00

Inspired

Just got back from a slam poetry/open mike thing at school. One of the few things here I actually enjoy. So I'm writing my own little poem now, after reading one that I didn't really like at the time. That one was about love and pain and my demi-broken heart over Dread, this one is my shot at organized religion, which I hate. Maybe I'll put them up later.

Speaking of Dread, his girlfriend called while I was over there with him waiting to go to the poetry thing, and they got in this huge fight. I swear I have a split personality sometimes; part of me was grinning with devilish glee at the things he was saying to her, the other half was cringing in sympathy and wondering if that would be me someday, very probably in tears or at least furious at the other end of a cold plastic phone line.

I am so full of words right now, so expect a lot of random things to pop out of my subconscious. Just a little heads up, my readers that stay for under a minute.

2003-11-19T10:49:00.000-06:00

Wacko

My take on the whole Michael Jackson thing:

I think it's either a stunt by him to get more press for his album, a stunt by the kid's family to get some money, or the police around there have nothing better to do.

I dunno, I was thinking about it as I was brushing my teeth this morning. Why is America so obsessed with celebrities? It's not like they can do things that we can't... act like somebody else? hell, everyone does that. Or singing; granted, some people are nicer to listen to, but does that really justify throwing all that money at them? Because they sound ok in a recording studio after a ton of voice lessons? Or because they're pretty? (Or not, in Jackson's case). Fact is, these people are just the same as the rest of us, only for some reason or another they're just like us in posh houses with nice cars and lots of cool toys. They must be down on their knees every day thanking whatever particular god they serve for the public that swoons to hear what color toothbrush they have.

heh, sorry. /end rant.

2003-11-19T10:20:00.000-06:00

Nice

I was trudging up the steps to go to my english class when to my delight I ran into a girl coming down (not literally, mind) who told me that english was, in fact, cancelled for the day.

I promptly bounced back out of the building and off to actually get something to eat and read the comics. The rest of the class period will be spent messing around on the internet. Excellent. (<--spoken in a Mr. Burns voice. You know, that guy from the Simpsons.)

2003-11-18T12:15:00.000-06:00

Need. Paycheck. Now.

Because I am in serious need of the following:
- Batwings Backpack
- some sexy boots
- some cute arm warmers

Hell, I'm thinking I just need to learn to sew.

2003-11-18T12:04:00.000-06:00

Scary.

This makes me laugh.

But kind of a I'm really disturbed but also find it a little funny laugh.

Hot Topic Baby Clothes?

ook.

2003-11-18T11:10:00.000-06:00

A rant

Dread is leaving. In like two weeks. To go home to his girlfriend and presumably forget about me.

I can't remember where I read this, but in the human brain, the center for physical pain is right next to and/or the same as the one for emotional/mental pain.

Trust me, it's true.

The weird part is, I'm not sobbing hysterically anymore or even overly sad. I don't know if I've deadened myself to it or just in denial or what, but after the initial shock, I'm just kind of 'eh.' Maybe because there's nothing in the whole fucking world I can do about it.

Life in the wide world goes on, I suppose.

2003-11-18T11:03:00.000-06:00

A thought

I don't post serious stuff in here very much, I've discovered... mostly just rants about my love life (or lack thereof) and quizzes and other things like that. Which kind of makes sense, given the title of my blog.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'll have to think on it.

2003-11-14T14:00:00.000-06:00

Friday = Quiz Day

Bondage Angel. You liked to be tied, cuffed, bound
and gag. You also happen to like being naughty
and getting spanked. Remember though that it
can be fun being the spankee, too.

What Fallen Angel are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-11T19:58:00.000-06:00

Last Zombie thing, I promise

Quote:

"I never try anything, I just do it. Wanna try me?"

2003-11-11T19:41:00.000-06:00

Genius

Whether you've seen House of 1000 Corpses or not, this song kicks ass.

Pussy Liquor
Earl had a baby
Baby was her name
He knew she was crazy
Tiny was the same
Down behind the shed
Slaughtering the hog
Slice along the belly
Feed it to the dog

1,2,3 who should i kill?
Every motherfucker running up the hill
1,2,3 what should i do?
Get fucked up and fuck up you

Pussy Liquor
Make ya sicker
Pussy Liquor
Do it quicker

(spoken x2)
Baby: Yeah we liked to get fucked up
Goober: Yeah i like to get fucked up too
Baby: Yeah I bet you do

Tim had a baby
Otis was his name
White as a ghost totally insane
Otis loves the girls
Young and clean
Drowning in a bucket of gasoline

1,2,3 who should i kill?
Every motherfucker running up the hill
1,2,3 what should i do?
Get fucked up and fuck up you

Pussy Liquor
Make ya sicker
Pussy Liquor
Do it quicker

(spoken x2)
Baby: Yeah we liked to get fucked up
Goober: Yeah i like to get fucked up too
Baby: Yeah I bet you do

Don't you know something
They wont tell
c´mon man
Send them to a hell
Burnin' in the house
Spirits are alive
A tongue lashing mama
Helps 'em to survive

1,2,3 who should i kill?
Every motherfucker running up the hill
1,2,3 what should i do?
Get fucked up and fuck up you

Pussy Liquor
Make ya sicker
Pussy Liquor
Do it quicker

2003-11-11T19:34:00.000-06:00

Rock

Life is rocking right now, despite the fact I have soo much schoolwork to do. Dread is teaching me to skateboard, which I have always wanted to learn how to do, I'm rocking out to Rob Zombie as I type, and basically I have a 'I'm having fun dammit and all you people staring can kiss my ass'. Good stuff.

2003-11-10T12:36:00.000-06:00

Pondering

I'm thinking about transferring next year to the college where Dread is headed, if he leaves after this semester is over. The name escapes me, but he assures me it's a great school and really cheap compared to the one I'm at now.

I don't know about it, though. I've heard so many times that it's bad to follow somebody anywhere, (my own mom followed a boyfriend to a different college and he dumped her two weeks later, back in the day), and I'm afraid everything I hate in this college is going to transfer over to there because it's really inside me? Not to mention this place will put us within an hour of his girlfriend, and that could get ugly/interesting/homicidal.

Decisions abound. At least life's not boring.

2003-11-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

Insane.

Me and Dread's relationship is just messed up. I can't figure out if it's a good thing that it's so, um, unconventional or if it's just killing me happily.

I snuck into his dorm room last night after hours (rebel rebel, I know) and we wound up sleeping together. Not sex mind, just sleeping. Anyway, before we fell asleep we talked a lot about how we are and how he and his girlfriend are. A few conclusions we came to/stuff we talked over:

He loves me.
He loves her.
I love him.
She loves him.
He loves both of us.
She's still not comfortable with that idea. (I guess I can understand that.)
Me and her have -a lot- in common. This bugged me until he reassured me he wasn't just using me as a replacement for her.
He and I both think we'll probably end up together at some point, in some way.
He might be leaving after this semester is over. (insert sound effect of my heart breaking).

I just don't know what to do about anything. Take it one day at a time, I guess.

2003-11-09T14:17:00.000-06:00

Plug me in

So yeah, me and Blue went and saw The Matrix Revolutions yesterday. Based on reading reviews and such, you either loved it or hated it with a passion.

I liked it, as far as entertainment goes... the graphics were pretty (if not a little overdone sometimes), they had a scene in a BDSM club, and it kept me interested.

What pissed me off: my favorite character, the Merovingian (the fake-french program guy), was only in it for about 5 minutes, if that. Come on, the guy's a great character. Give him more scenes.

2003-11-06T20:58:00.000-06:00

Real Horrorshow, O my brothers

I finally got ahold of A Clockwork Orange from our teeny little library a few weeks ago and promptly devoured it.

Needless to say, it has quicky found a place in my twisted little heart.

To make it all the better, the most excellent Rob Zombie has written a song about it (and an excellent video to go with it):

Never Gonna Stop (the red red kroovy)
yeah
my durango number 95
take me to the home
kick boots
and ultra live
see heaven flash
a horrorshow
knock it nice
and smooth
step back and
watch it flow yeah

never gonna stop me
never gonna stop
never gonna stop me
never gonna never gonna

yeah
the devil ride
a dinosaur
he paint the monster red
so the blood don't
stain the floor
in out
real savage show
sorry as a shot
came sickness
watch it flow yeah

2003-11-06T20:49:00.000-06:00

Painslut

As you may or may not know, I'm quite fond of sadism and masochism. (sadasochism? heh.) I do so love seeing somebody writhe under my 'touch', but I also enjoy the delicate flowering of bruises on my own skin.

However, I've come to realize I'm a sucker for pain in the mental form as well, hence why I torture myself with hanging around (and fucking around) with Dread when he is obviously still quite in love with his girlfriend.

I can't really help it though; he's just everything I want and the fact I can't have it truly makes me want it all the more.

Blue and Dread and Buddha are going to be introduced to each other Saturday, since we're all going to a slam poetry thing downtown. That should be interesting.

2003-11-06T11:57:00.000-06:00

Childhood Trauma

Upon perusing the 100 scariest movie moments from retroCRUSH, one little thumbnail in particular really jumped out at me:

The Pink Elephants song from Dumbo.

You may well laugh, but as a young and relatively innocent Pixie it creeped me out to no end, especially this cute little bit of child-oriented animation.

Of course, this fear of the scene made me obsessively look forward to that part of the movie when it came on, just for the sheer pleasure of the weirdness.

Some other personal favorites:
The Ring... the animation of the picture on this page alone makes me cringe. Yes, I am a giant wuss.
The Willy Wonka boat ride scene... that movie is weird in general. (though I cannot wait to see how Tim Burton does it *swoon*) This just adds to it.

And... yeah. Too lazy to poke through the rest of them.

2003-11-05T12:04:00.000-06:00

Discovery

Call me Captain Obvious, but I've found out something really neat.

In the Barnes and Noble at the mall, they let you read the stuff. As in, sit around and read and you don't have to buy anything. And they don't care or shoot you evil looks.

Hence, as soon as I grab some food from the cafeteria and go back and grab my cute little Burberry scarf that I've been saving for a day such as this (chilly and overcast), I will be perched in the Starbucks mini-cafe (located perfectly next to the magazine rack) flipping leisurely through Cosmo (hey, I like sex), Vogue (and clothes too) and Maxim (for the comedy value. And I don't mind the hot chicks in there either).

College really really makes you appreciate stuff you don't have to pay for.

2003-11-02T23:52:00.000-06:00

*snort*

I need to stop reading funny things in the computer lab.

Because reading vintage indian safety charts is bound to make me shake in silent laughter, press a hand to my mouth, and generally look like an idiot while the sane populous of the lab just does their boring computer things.

Damn, I need a computer.

2003-11-02T21:22:00.000-06:00

Priceless

This is what my friend Buddha said to me as we were leaving his apartment a few minutes ago:

"See, the reason I like weed is... I forgot."

I laughed for about 5 minutes. Sadly, still no sign of Dread, though the light in his dorm is on, when me and Buddha tapped on the window nobody answered. Buddha says he'll send him my way if he sees him. Till then, I'm stuck writing a horrible 5 page paper on Charles Dickens and slavery. Bah.

2003-11-02T19:26:00.000-06:00

Impatient

Haven't seen him (Dread) yet.

No clue what's going on.

Curious as hell.

Have to write a 5 page paper first.

Damn it to hell.

2003-10-30T22:23:00.000-06:00

Sick

How much I feel for him now that he's not here.

Him being, of course, Dread.

He's back to his girlfriend for the weekend, supposedly to figure out if he's going to stay with her or if he's ready to move on.

This is her take on it (don't worry, the twisting pain in my chest is more than enough to make me feel guilty for prying open the box in the first place)

And I quote: "i've never been so incredibily happy, i feel it living inside, i feel it pushing out, i feel it growing. it's only going to get better. i love you ______, my heart burns for you"

Hmm, I don't think that knife is deep enough, why don't I lean forward into it so you can twist it a bit harder, ok? Or maybe you could pull it a bit, maybe up more, so it just does more of a tearing-thing. Might as well get some good blood out of it, a present for you, my dear, since I've swallowed ever so much of your DNA already.

As Yoda would say, "Pixie, a sick puppy you are."
And I would respond:
"Fuck you, you little green wart."
Whereupon he would pick me up with his mind and probably break me in half a few times (which would make it quarters, I suppose) and that would be the end of it.
Anyone got a space shuttle I can borrow?

2003-10-30T22:02:00.000-06:00

Mood swing much?

I feel ill and manic at the same time.

Ill because my soul's half is gone to see the one who holds his heart in thrall.

Manic because I'm listening to Outkast's Hey Ya on the computer, because I have the lab all to myself. Thank god for music.

2003-10-26T18:57:00.000-06:00

Hey, all the fun people will be there...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2003-10-26T18:52:00.000-06:00

How kick ass is this?!

LJ Barcode

Yes I stole it from a livejournal person, but it makes barcodes!

Maybe I'm so excited because I want a barcode tattoo someday, but it makes me happy.

2003-10-26T18:32:00.000-06:00

I'm ok.

Really, it's all good.

Just seeing all that in such an intimate manner - and basically 'sneaking around' to do it - was a pretty good shock, as you can see.

Of course, that hasn't stopped me from reading through it, or his girlfriends' livejournal.

Nor from going down on him or being on the recieving end.

Yes, I am a terrible person. Oh well.

2003-10-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

And it keeps going

And I keep reading...

I guess you really can't stop the until all the evil is out. No matter how badly I want to slam the lid shut again, I have to wait until every last ounce of pain pours out into my world.

Only this time, I'm not sure if there will still be timid little Hope nestled in a bottom corner.

2003-10-22T23:14:00.000-05:00

Ignorance is bliss

Note to self, dear Pandora: leave the fucking box alone.

By running a search on Dread's e-mail, I managed to find his Livejournal. Which I will not be linking to here.

Oh, what not a good move. I feel ill.

My heart did a little ka-boom of hope as I read about the arguments he and his girlfriend had, and the whole break thing, sometimes verbatim from conversations between them.

My heart just went ka-boom as I read, at present, their stupid cutesy comments back and forth to each other (he's going to visit her on Halloween). By visit, I mean fuck her brains out.

Why can't I keep my fucking emotions in check? He's my friend, but he tortures my by saying shit like "I'd go out with you in a second," and "we'd have such a cool relationship," etc. I'm all too aware of how romantic relationships between people can fuck up a lovely friendship, but gods, he's like everything I want.

The fact he kissed me for like 5 minutes solid earlier today did nothing to help my condition.

Fuck.

2003-10-18T15:26:00.000-05:00

Heart. Stopped.

I think my underground lair is haunted... the lights just went off by themselves, making me jump about 10 feet off my chair... then when I looked over and determined that there was nobody over by the switch ready to axe me, I was going to creep over and turn them back on, and they came on by themselves.

Well, that woke me up.

In case you missed it (and you did, because I haven't written about it yet), I have been mentally referring to the computer lab as 'my underground lair', because you have to go down two flights of scary stairs to get to it and it's all windowless and safe-feeling.

Ok, I have to make myself write this damn article for the school paper now or I'll miss my deadline. Ciao.

2003-10-18T15:14:00.000-05:00

One Sweet World(?)

I love this song (Dave Matthews Band), so I thought I'd share the lyrics with you. I'm listening to it nonstop as I type. It really is beautiful.

Nine planets round the sun
Only one does the sun embrace
Upon this watered one
So much to we take for granted

So let us sleep outside tonight
Lay down in the mother's arms
For here we can rest safely

If green should slip to grey
Would our hearts still bloody beat
If the mountains crumble away
And the river dry
Would it stop the stepping feet

Take all that we can get
When it's done
Nobody left to bury
Nobody left to dig the holes
And here we will rest safely

One sweet world
Around this star is spinning
One sweet world
In her breath I'm swimming
And here we will rest in peace.

2003-10-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

Eek. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Blue has fallen hard for me...

...probably just as hard as I thought I fell for Dread earlier, and you can see how I felt about that (see Oct. 12).

I hate being the bearer of bad news, but I just can't see him (Blue) that way, despite how sweet he is and how much I enjoy his company. There's just no spark there for me, you know? But he claims that I'm the 'perfect one' for him, and I despise hurting people, since I'm feeling all-too the same right now.

Just not about him.

2003-10-17T14:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's in this, but I'm intrigued...

Congratulations! You're a screaming orgasm!!

What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

Harmony

Me and Columbia are back to good, which is a massive relief. She even apologized for being a huge bitch.

So yeah, life in the dorm is good. Everything's starting to look up again. It's another gorgeous fall day, and it's going to be a fun evening with Blue.

I am content.

2003-10-17T14:11:00.000-05:00

Goood day

I, in case you haven't noticed by the pattern yet, looove Fridays.

Today was especially nice because I didn't have to go to my 9 a.m. class, allowing me to get up and ready leisurely. It also kicked ass because, despite a few people's attempts to thwart this by calling me on my cell phone (nothing like being shocked awake by Nokia's 'fuga'), I went to bed at 10:30 and had good good sleep.

There is just nothing like really good sleep.

Except maybe really good sex.

2003-10-16T12:50:00.000-05:00

Poet

Last night there was a slam poetry thing...

It was so inspiring, I did something totally out of character ~ scribbled something on the spot and voluntarily went up and read it.

In front of people, and the godlike poets who went first.

Oh yeah, that makes me pseudo-godlike.

Maybe when I have time I'll post what I read.

2003-10-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

Happy Early Halloween...

Because I'm feeling festive. Sure to put you in the holiday spirit.

2003-10-15T00:28:00.000-05:00

COMMENTS!

I have comments!

So you people who don't read the blog can not leave messages!

But I do a lurid jig of glee anyway.

Ok, now I'm -really- going to sleep. Ciao.

2003-10-15T00:19:00.000-05:00

Sleep now

I have to get up for a midterm/various icky classes in a few hours. Till then.

2003-10-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

Dude, I'm 19

Actually, I was really born Oct. 15, 1984 at like 11:40 p.m., so technically it's not really my birthday... but it would suck if it was only my birthday for 20 minutes every year, wouldn't it?

Feel free to send flowers, money, anything from here, and boy/girlfriend applications. I'll be watching my mailbox.

2003-10-14T22:28:00.000-05:00

Figured it out

I don't want Dread and his girlfriend (hehe, I accidentally typed girlfiend) to break up, because I would feel bad, and I don't want to mess with love. It's kind of an important thing to me, because I'm feeling what it's like to lose it, etc.

I guess I'm just jealous of the fact that she found such a great guy, and how well he treats her, and all that good stuff. More power to them, of course, but it kind of sucks for me. Ah well, not like it's anything new.

2003-10-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

Feeling better

Because:

It is a gorgeous fall day
It is my birthday tommorow... $$$
Perhaps I will be getting my very own computer soon... *glee*
Me and Dread can be buddies, even if I can't fuck his brains out.
Halloween is coming soon
I am going to a sushi bar (not my first one) and then a gay bar (my first one) Friday with Blue

Life is pretty good. I am calm, as Plato says, the place between pleasure and pain.

2003-10-12T20:54:00.000-05:00

Actually, I just snorted. How alluring.

This made me feel a little better... I actually almost laughed, which would have made the other geeks lurking in the computer lab with me arch a brow, no doubt. Maybe I should write my angsty deluges in such a way that they make people laugh?

nah.

2003-10-12T20:19:00.000-05:00

Pain. Not the good kind.

We're talking firestorms of pain. The kind that twists your heart. The kind that makes you feel literally sick. The kind that makes you cry for an hour straight.

In case you might have missed it, I have accidentally fallen for Dread.

So, of course, he and his long-distance girlfriend are officially back together.

kill me please.

So, in addition to feeling rather sick of the whole college thing, I have to deal with him holding me while I cry. It really makes it hurt worse. I hope to god he doesn't realize the effect he has on me.

It really makes me sick to allow someone to have this kind of power over me, especially since the feelings can't be mutual at the moment. Ah, if you only knew... he is the proverbial one I've been looking for, and so close I can touch him, and at the same time so heart-twistingly far away.

Forgive the teen angst deluge, please.

2003-10-08T15:31:00.000-05:00

Melt, part II

Quoth Dread, upon seeing me yesterday:

"Who is that beautiful woman standing before me?"

Le sigh.

This could prove hazardous to my no-boyfriend status... if he ends up dumping his "sort-of-GF-" (as he says). We shall see.

2003-10-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

Melt

That's what I did last night... Dread said to me, and I quote...

"Man, why are you everything I'm looking for in a woman?"

Le sigh.

2003-10-07T17:05:00.000-05:00

Silence

Not the good, peaceful kind, mind. Oh no.

Columbia hasn't been talking to me for the past three days. I think she's angry because she felt she had some previous claim on Dread (they were kinda friends first), but now he and I are rather close...

Rather close being making out every day.

Still, no reason for her to be bitchy, even if she is jealous. I even tried to talk to her yesterday:

Me: So... are you mad at me?
C: (in a cold cold angry voice) Why would you say that?
Me: (a bit taken aback) Um... because we haven't talked for like two days...
C: Oh, no. (In said voice)
Me: (trying to be forced-cheerful) So, um, anything else you want to talk about?
C: (again, the voice) What would I want to talk about?
Me: Ah, nevermind... *hastily puts headphones back on*
C: *walks out the door*

Tell me if I'm being a completely callous bitch here, but really, I can't help it if we get along better than he and she do. Chicks are stupid.

2003-10-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

Hungry

Off to go eat. I'm in the computer lab now, and people are here, which means I'm gone. Ciao for now.

2003-10-05T15:01:00.000-05:00

Insanity

Seriously. Mayhem.

Last night they were having a stupid dance, so instead of going to another stupid frat party (I was seriously bored at the one Friday) me, Dread and Buddha decided to get thoroughly drunk and then go. It was all good fun ~ arriving at Buddha's apartment at 8:30, we then proceeded to go at about 9:30.

I had basically chugged a 40, so I was feeling quite good. Dread looked hot, as did I (I wore my hot little red dress. Suffice it to say I was stared at. Good times.) and everything was bloody hilarious to me. Sadly, Buddha and Dread decided they weren't trashed enough, so they elected to head back and "reload", as Dread said.

We never made it back to the dance.

I started making out with Dread, and apparently Buddha took this as an invitation to start pleasuring me. I went back and forth between them thusly for what felt like a good long time. In my altered state, I also ended up screaming like a porn queen, so the neighbors probably thought I was being killed or killed with kindness.

Total hickey count: 6. As far as I've been able to see, at any rate. I'm going to dress all modestly in the hopes Blue doesn't see. He just forgave me a bit ago. This wouldn't help matters.

2003-10-04T12:05:00.000-05:00

Curiouser and Curiouser

Last night was quite fun. But I can't write anymore, because I see my roommate coming this way out the window and she seems annoyed when I use her computer. Bugger.

2003-09-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

Fall

It's getting cold here... by cold I mean, in the 70's or some such thing, but it's soo nice nonetheless. I think fall is my favorite season, next to summer. Partly because it's my birthday soon (Oct. 15... can't believe I'll be 19 already) but also because it's sunny, but cold, most days, and the leaves (the few trees that change here) are lovely.

2003-09-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

Fallen

That's what he called it, and I suppose it's more true for him than me. But not much, since his 'other' is pretty unlikely to find out.

I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's skilled, as I've mentioned before, but I'm also disturbingly anti-boyfriend. Not to mention I doubt he'll be dumping her anytime soon, despite the fact she's 3-4 states away. Kind of bad form, I suppose.

Call me callous, but I have a tendency to hook up with guys who are already, um, spoken for. This is the... third? time it's happened. I try not to actively pursue it, and I'm not hellbent to break up anyone's cute little coupledom, but I guess I'm just a bit selfish... and used to getting what I want.

In anycase, it was fun, he's very sweet and gorgeous, and I'm curious to see where things will go from here.

2003-09-29T21:39:00.000-05:00

Yummy

Boys are fun. Hickeys are fun also. And that's all I'm really at liberty to say at the moment. *cackles* PS ~ sorry Blue honey (not like he reads this anyway) but there's nothing like a boy who knows how to kiss. And bite. And... yeah.

2003-09-26T12:04:00.000-05:00

Nice

Knowing that you're completely done with school for the day on Friday at noon. It's just a great feeling. I'm going to hang out with Blue today, but when I have time I'll write about a few new developments. No doubt you quiver in antici
pation.

2003-09-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

Pole Dance

Yeah, Saturday me, Blue and Columbia went to see DJ Icey at a club about 10 minutes from school. It was fun ~ despite the fact I dislike bringing my own boy to clubs (as opposed to picking them up as I go), Blue was a pretty good sport about it. The venue was awesome too... they are a goth/industrial club part time, so there was a massive chandelier over the main dancefloor and they would shine colored lights through it... absolutely gorgeous. A good time was had by all, despite the fact every time I went through a crowd my ass got grabbed by random people. All part of the experience, I suppose.

2003-09-22T16:34:00.000-05:00

Victory Dance

I'm grooving around the room to Shaggy because I just got back from my Journalism Practium class. Normally that doesn't inspire feelings of joy, but I wrote an article last week and the professor asked me if it was my first article for anything ever (it was) because it was so well written and they hardly had to edit it. As if my ego isn't getting big enough already.

This may seem like a small thing, but seeing as I want this to be my potential profession someday, I'm really excited that it's going so well. Vogue, here I come.

2003-09-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

Mascot

Yes, freshly aquired from Hot Topic yesterday:

My very own bat kitty.

His name is aparently Jinx, but I've dubbed him Johnny Jinx, just because I'm obsessed with Johnny Depp. And who could blame me, no?

2003-09-20T08:50:00.000-05:00

Yawn

Blogging from Blue's bedroom. It is ungodly early (almost 9 a.m.) but he's going to drop me off before he goes to work. He's in the shower now.

I must say, my opinion of him is changing, which worries me.

I'm starting to see him as really sweet and caring and gentlemanly ~ not that he wasn't any of those things before, of course, but now it's starting to get to me.

Best throw a few more locks on the fortress.

2003-09-18T00:58:00.000-05:00

Link flood

In case you're wondering why there's now a massive amount of gothic lolita/Malice Mizer links over there... ----->

I wanted someplace to put them so I didn't lose the little darlings, and since I don't have my own computer yet, I figured they'd be safe here.

And I am a happy happy little fangirl.

2003-09-17T15:05:00.000-05:00

Beauty Queen, part II

I have a pink streak in my hair at the nape of my neck, about 4 or 5 inches wide.

It looks AWESOME!

The rest of my hair is all blonde, but then you can see the Manic Panic Hot Hot Pink streaks peeking out underneath and from the sides.

I feel very Gwen Stefani-ish... which is good, since she's one of my heros.

Ok, off to work out.

2003-09-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

Beauty Queen

My appearance last night: half of my hair wadded up atop my head, the other half wadded in a bun dripping with bleach-foam at my neck. No makeup. Wearing: my ratty white tank top and blue shorts.

So naturally, they decided this was the perfect chance for a fire drill.

Did I mention our dorm is seperated from the neighboring boys' dorm by a rather small lawn?

Oh, what fun. Especially when I looked down and saw that my shorts were on inside out.

2003-09-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

Eek!

I almost had a heart attack when I glanced at my watch... the second hand looked like the minute hand, which would have made me late for the interview I have to do ~ I'm writing for the school paper (if they use three of my things, they give me twenty five bucks. Whee!). As it is, I have to go get ready anyway, so more later tonight perhaps.

2003-09-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

Rawk!

Bowling for Soup was awesome!

Seriously, if they're ever in your area, you need to go see them. Even if you think they're just 'ok' or you don't really like them. Live, they're fun and adorable and the music was great. So go, dammit. Me and Blue walked right past them getting off their bus, but we didn't say anything. What do you say? "Hey, you're Bowling for Soup!" "Um... yeah."

2003-09-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not a player. I swear.

I just don't know what I really want.

Last night I wound up having insane drunken sex with Metallica. This was after I 'purged' my system, mind. I'm hoping Blue didn't sit in the next room and hear the gory details.

But then this morning Metallica left for work, so me and Blue sat in his room and watched Romeo + Juliet... I adore that movie. And he had it on his computer. As in, he liked it enough himself to get.

And then tommorow we're going to go see Bowling for Soup together... last night he said he had something to tell me, but to be honest I wasn't particularly keen to hear it, seeing as my tummy was still in the process of trying to claw it's way out of me.

Metallica says he likes me. I hope not for his sake... he's such a sweet boy, and I don't want him to think I'm screwing with him, when that's really the last thing I'd want to do. I just am scared of relationships right now.

Help?

2003-09-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

Spinning

Last night was the most drunk I have ever been.

It was scary.

Not because I felt threatened, mind ~ just the complete lack of control and the fact it completely screwed my senses and the fact I can't remember a lot of it (thank god for Metallica; my friend, not the band). And I threw up. A lot. I hate throwing up. I was also on the verge of passing out... the room got all echo-ey and scary. So, I now know not to do that again.

2003-09-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

Weekend Plans, part II

I'm going to the party, sans-Columbia.

The reason: Last night Metallica called and apologized for being an asshole, which was quite true. So at least I have some kind of 'bodyguard' there.

Dilemma I: Metallica is in charge of 'security' at the door for a few hours. That leaves me unattended, but whatever I do will most definately get back to him, because everyone's no doubt watching for me to make the slightest mistake. Do I sit in drunken chastity and try to control myself, or risk pissing him off again but be entertained?

Dilemma II: Where the hell am I going to sleep? I really should not have started kissing Blue, since he and Metallica happen to live under the same roof. I don't want either of them to think I'm leading them on, because in actuality, I'm really not sure what I want. A boyfriend though, I do not want. So damn. I'm thinking the couch in the living room ~ neutral-ish, right?

2003-09-10T23:47:00.000-05:00

Weekend Plans

My options:

Go to the frat party as planned, possibly with Columbia.
Possibly go to a concert with Columbia and her friend
Sit at home and sulk
Go to Metallica and Blue's house, deal with seeing Metallica, and get drunk -there- with Blue, possibly ending in rather bland screwing around
Go to the frat party, without Metallica's protection, possibly screw around with random brothers, probably make him even angrier, end up at home with Blue anyway (bland screwing around, only drunk)
sign up to be a nun (aka, suicide)

Fuck.

2003-09-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

Fuck.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. (cue the teen angst violins)

Me and Blue had our date thing today... he took me to Crystals, what I described as an 'Old People's Chuck E. Cheese'. It was this weird southern-style mansion type thing... but inside there was a pizza place and a little arcade and a movie theatre. And he's really sweet. And very gentlemanly.

And really predictable, which makes my insides curl up and hide.

I know chicks are supposedly drawn to 'bad' guys, but this sucks.

Not to mention I'm rather scared of relationships right now, having been fucked over by my last one.

Fuck.

2003-09-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

The Uterus Whisperer

In case you needed further proof that me and Columbia together = insanity, you can meditate on this scene from lunch today.

Columbia: Man, I'm going to be so angry if my period comes Friday.
Pixie: Yeah, that would really suck.
C: If it does, I'm going to the concert instead.
P: No! If it does, I'm hiding behind Blue at the party all night, since I don't want to be dragged off and raped, since I'd be the only 'slutty ho' there...
- moody silence ensues for a moment -
C: Hey, you should tell my uterus not to shed it's lining that day! It never listens to me.
P: What?!
C: Come on, tell it!
P: -laughing too hard to do so-
C: Come on!
P: -taking a deep breath and hoping nobody from the other tables overhears- Columbia's uterus, will you please not have a period and ruin our fun on Friday?
C: Ok, let's go
- they get up and leave -

Ah, the pride of our generation.

2003-09-09T14:29:00.000-05:00

Rocky Horror Halloween

Me and Columbia have tenatively planned to dress up as Magenta and Columbia, respectively, from RHPS. (Now you see where I got her 'name' from, in case you missed it before.) I was kind of thinking of dressing as a sexy Alice in Wonderland or a sexy faerie earlier, but this means I get to wear a maid's outfit and speak in a cool Transylvanian accent, so it's cool with me.

We're looking for someone to dress as the good doctor Frank, so if the mood strikes any of you guys out there, feel free to dust off your garter belt and corset and join us. Rest assured you'll be jumped by both of us at once the minute you walk in the door, if you needed an incentive.

2003-09-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

I need a computer

I remember being in Social Studies class in third grade (a younger and far far more innocent Pixie) and the teacher (who I really disliked, I think her name was Mrs. Taylor) making us do a worksheet on want and need. As I recall, the thing had a bunch of pictures, and you were supposed to put a 'W' for a want and 'N' for a need on the little line next to the picture.

I must have failed, because not owning a computer (I'm on Columbia's now, my roommate) is messing with me. Not to mention I feel guilty asking her "Can I use your computer?" whenever the mood strikes me to blog or check mail or get on messenger or just poke around the intenet, which is only usually once every 15 minutes.

Luckily, my parents have mentioned something about possibly getting me one for Christmas, which isn't too far off. I'm really not that picky... internet acess, a word program and a printer would make me deliriously happy.

Then again, I wouldn't say no to one that could run Star Wars Galaxies or Everquest, but that would also mean I would NEVER leave my room or get anything done. Being a serious internet/gaming geek and having an addictive personality (I really don't think I used that term correctly, but oh well) is quite a bad combination.

2003-09-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

So, so true

They should make all the error messages on the internet look like this. It would make my day a little better.

2003-09-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

Dating Game

Hm, apparently I have a date on Wednesday now with Blue. I have to admit, the fact he was willing to piss off his friend and an entire fraternity subsequently to take me home from the party Friday earned him major points. Also the fact he was willing to drive me all the way across town to take me to the Japanese Garden last weekend... (for some reason I just felt a strong need to be outside under trees, maybe because I felt so fucked up inside that morning).

The only bad thing is he's kind of a boring kisser. Not bad necessarily, just not too experienced, I suppose. Which basically means he's not as big of a slut as me.

We'll see how things go.

2003-09-08T15:07:00.000-05:00

Lolita

No, I'm not a child porn star. I'm referring to the color of my nails ~ I borrowed my roommate's black nail polish so now my hands look, um, tough. They match the keyboard, at any rate. And, in case you're confused, Lolita is a term the japanese use... it just means gothic, basically.

Just so you know.

2003-09-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

Boys are icky

Seriously, some days I want nothing to do with them (hence the convenience in being bi). My aforementioned friend Metallica is still persisting in being a ridiculously unfair, lying thing. He picked a spectacularly ill-timed moment to tell me, last night on the phone, that he had feelings for me - not the 'open relationship' feelings we had talked about earlier, but like, be-my-girlfriend-ish feelings. Apparently, he had planned to tell me after we got home from the party, but he also assumed I knew already, but apparently his subtle hints were a bit too subtle.

Note the emphasis on had earlier? Yes, well apparently he "doesn't hold anything against me at all and understands I was drunk", yet he doesn't feel that way anymore because he doesn't know if he could trust me in a serious relationship and doesn't feel we're as good friends. The great part of that is, I have NEVER cheated on any of my boyfriends (and I've had some pretty long relationships) but he cheated on his last girlfriend of two years... guess with who? (hint: me.) So of course that saint has every right to hold my sins against me. But he -doesn't- hold -anything- against me and we're still 'best friends'.

I HATE when people can't admit they're still mad and bothered.

The best part? His roommate, Blue, is banned from the fraternity now because he drove me and my roommate home, instead of leaving us with a house full of drunken horny frat brothers. His excuse was, "one of them would have taken you back to the house." Hm, climbing into a car with a drunk boy I just met 30 minutes ago? Sounds like a plan to me.

I don't know, the whole situation is just fucked up. The rather sick part... the frat brothers made him call me and invite me and my roommate to another party Friday, presumably with the assumption we'll behave in a similar manner. Oh, and apparently they refer to us as the 'slutty hos'. Ooooh, now -that- one hurt. Bah. (We're going, by the way. god knows what will happen then).

2003-09-07T19:45:00.000-05:00

My friend used to sing this to me... now I appreciate it a lot more

How d'you do,
I see you've met my
faithful handyman
He's just a little brought down
because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Don't get strung out by the way that I look,
Don't judge a book by its cover
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

2003-09-07T15:14:00.000-05:00

The internet is bad for me

Seriously. I'm supposed to be writing a stupid mini-paper on the Iliad. Instead, I'm reading blogs.

I blame it on PMS. (No doubt my english teacher will totally understand... HA.)

2003-09-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

Dye, bitch.

I'm seriously considering letting my roommate dye the bottom layer of my hair pink. Hers is, at the moment, pink on top, purple in the middle and blue on the bottom. Thing is, I'm a hair-dye virgin, so I'm kind of scared. At any rate, I'm waiting until after my period to make any sort of aesthetic decisions. Smart, no?

2003-09-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

Ouch.

Hurting is not fun. So between my cramps and my annoyance at the events of this weekend today is not a good day. I'm going to wear all black and lurk in the dorm all day. Ironically, I'm listening to Bob Marley's Reggae, but that's just because I can't deal with anything 'hard' at the moment. Seriously, he's really great to listen to when you're in this kind of mood. Everything's mellow and soft and swaying. "One good thing about music/ when it hits you/ you feel no pain"

But I digress.

I'm just trying to organize my thoughts on everything right now I guess. I think the boy (we'll call him Metallica, just to protect his identity a bit. I may be bitchy but I'm civilized.) has some right to be annoyed, wounded pride and all that, but not to the extent he carried it. Example: walking home the two miles from the party, sleeping on the couch, etc... basically pulling off the whole wounded martyr thing. Also acting like he's lord of the fucking manor when the house belongs just as much to his roommates as him ~ telling me, and I quote: "I'm not sure when you'll be back here next," as in, he's not sure when he'll decide to let me back in. I've got news for you honey ~ your roommate has become rather fond of me, and will willingly drive down here, come get me, and bring me back into 'your' house anytime I ask.

I hate being like this with him, because we are quite close friends, but I cannot fucking stand people who pout, act mortally wounded, and generally blow things out of porportion. It's all well and good to deal with your pain, but not to be a drama queen. Not to mention he's no doubt more embarassed by the fact that his frat brothers were going on about it than the fact I was screwing around with some people.

That's what happens when you run out of beer at a party. People have nothing better to do than stand around and gossip like old hos. That is my big moral lesson out of all this ~ buy a lot of beer.

2003-09-06T23:10:00.000-05:00

Lets do the time warp again

I'm watching Rocky Horror Picture Show on my tiny VCR right now... I just may be dancing the time warp and wearing a corset and singing the sweet transvestite song all week.

Just so you know.

2003-09-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

Some consequence yet hanging in the stars

So yeah, I had this feeling that something bad would happen this weekend, and it kind of did. My friend is really, really mad at me for making out with three other people when people thought I was 'with' him. It was really pretty stupid, actually, since the whole thing is just him being a drama queen about his wounded pride... apparently his frat brothers were making fun of him because of it; boys are just as big of pouters as girls are. At any rate, I've been hanging out with his cute roommate all day, so no big loss.

On the icky side, my uterus is trying to claw it's way out of my tummy, which kind of puts a damper on any romantic feelings. Fuck hormones.

2003-09-05T01:44:00.000-05:00

Tiiired

And I still have damn Spanish homework to do. *sigh* I better do it, then I can have that nice-righteous sleep instead of slightly guilty oh-well-I'll-pretend-I-don't-care sleep. Ciao for now.

2003-09-05T01:43:00.000-05:00

Frat Party!

Tommorow! Yaaaay! And I get to bring my roommate this time so I don't feel bad about leaving her in the dorm alone all weekend. It just makes the whole week worthwhile. (pathetic, I know.)

2003-09-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

Porno Party

How smart are me and my roommate? We're going to rent Rocky Horror Picture Show and some other classic 'Adult Theatre' pieces and invite a few boys over. Hopefully it will go well from there... bwahahaha.

2003-09-04T17:20:00.000-05:00

A little awkward

Having a conversation with some elderly gentleman about law school, and then having him get naked and me have to draw him from behind for an hour. Such is my Human Figure class. Actually, it's not as bad as I thought it would be... guess I'm sort of mature. (He was also a kind of buff elderly man, so it was all good.) My friend told me she would be freaking out the whole time ~ I thought to myself, hence why you are not an artist, my dear. (Only it wasn't really 'my dear', more like 'you ho' since she's been ignoring me lately in favor of girls who are just as cheerful, steady and boring as she, the business major. Party.)

2003-09-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

Hunnngryyyy...

I want my roommate to come back so we can go eat. NOW. (deep thoughts, no?)

PS ~ the archives all work now. I am the HTML goddess. (besides the fact I used a template. For everything. and a lot of copy paste. and...)

2003-09-03T12:40:00.000-05:00

Whiners

Other blog authors claim that people read their blogs and then use it against them in real life. I just want someone to READ the damn thing! Seriously, as soon as I get a hit counter I'll know how many of you out there are sneaking around and not posting comments and making me feel unloved.

I'll send you my therapy bill.